looking down on the world

hello, adoring fans!! it is i, once again.

i've come to learn the telltale signs for when the brigand bipeds are planning to leave me. nay, ABANDON me. and THIS time, the secluded one departed as well. WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?! do i smell bad? it's not my fault!! seriously, people and pets. there is nothing i can do about that.

telltale sign #1: a veritable MOUND of food in my food dish, overflowing onto the floor.
telltale sign #2: the refuse device lid left in the UP position in one or both of the refuse rooms.
telltale sign #3: multiple bag type objects HANGING off the hapless humans, being carted out of the apartment.
telltale sign #4: both humans getting all up in my grill to pet my head, speak to me with strange voice inflections and WAVE to me.


so what is this WAVING about? i really don't get it. do they think i can wave back? can't really do that. i can BAT things with my kitty paws, but it doesn't really come across as waving. it comes across more like, HEY PAPARAZZI, I SAID GET OUT OF MY FACE!!!!




telltale sign #5: humanus absentia

are kitty food, gravel and grape nuts the same thing?

i believe that the short one has lost the use of her legs. seriously, the woman has not left her lazy girl chair for nearly the past two days. normally i have to sit on her lap in order to keep her from getting up and leaving me. but not so anymore, in fact i have taken several walks, finished the latest harry potter novel AND went to the bathroom only to find that she still sat in the same place, with a wire leading from her hands to the moving box in the corner. sad really, she was a good pet, but i fear i may have to put her down.

speaking of putting down the humans, ...the fat one tried to tell me that i didn't NEED any more food or water, to which i informed him that he didn't NEED to live any longer













needless to say, i got both food AND water. fresh cold water.

i must go, i hear one of them meandering down the hall and they will be here any moment, unless they stop at the cooling box to stuff their faces. if you ask me, I should be the one eating at my leisure, and THEY should be the ones on a portion controled diet of water and burnt popcorn kerrnels. or whatever this crap is in my dish.

i mean seriously, would it be so hard to add a little gravy to this garbage?! or maybe even try one of those fresh, soft kitty meals i see advertised on the moving box. hmmm? whadd'ya say? naaawww, i didn't think so ya cheap bastards. stick with the 50 lbs of rock salt for $3, i just looooooove that.

damn! they are here i must go, viva la kitty-lution !!!!

abandoned AGAIN

$^_(*5(&^% HUMANS!!

the biped blues

weekends are so long when the humans are gone. i don't know where they went, and it was kind of a surprise that they left. all of a sudden they were crowding around me and picking me up, and then they walked out the door. i wonder if that's what death will be like.

the other one, the loud one, she stayed here. i will give her credit, though. she made sure i had food and beverage. i bet the other two put her up to it. the left behind one, she hung out with a familiar human i call "the royal one". i recognized her and she hangs out with the married ones a lot, so i let her stay.

but, it was a boring weekend. no one to give me chocolate frosting, no one's stomach to sleep on, no arms to stretch my claws on, no one to watch the tv shows I like with, and no one to talk to that REALLY understands me. the secluded one usually just mocks me. the royal one i think genuinely likes me, and she always greets me quite pleasantly. i'm glad i let her live.

i went through a sort of withdrawal when both the bipeds left me this weekend. i didn't start feeling back to my normal self until they had been home a few hours. this home is so empty when they leave. it makes me want to brave that moving box thing again, just so i don't feel left behind. all the fast-moving scenery and images was very confusing for my little brain, but i didn't get sick so it can't be all bad...and they seemed to enjoy it.

so, that's my next goal. clock more time in the box-on-wheels so i can spend more time with my humans.

so glad they're home...

do i like you?

Ummm...there may have been some confusion earlier where i said I love Cats and Dogs but not real ones. It's true! I've chosen to tolerate a couple temporarily (Chloe and Kelsey), but they're technically family. Can't choose 'em, you know; they're not going anywhere. I put my paw down, though, while i was there. i was not to be bothered. and i mama-puppy-slapped that hyper mongrel more than once.

Anyway, I really don't like other cats. It might be due to repressed anger from being separated from my sister at 6 months old, not wanting to allow any other cat close because it would only by a mockery of our bond -- and how could I possibly do that to her memory?

But what do I know? I'm just a cat.

Once, we were living in a box close to water. (and HUGE predatory birds, but that's another story) I lived with just the two humans then. They thought they would be kind to a homeless cat (they didn't know any better, really). They fed it some of MY food, out on the doorstep. Then for some reason thought maybe it would like to come INSIDE for an evening visit.

HOLD THE LITTER BOX.

They opened the door, it walked in. into MY domain. I approached slowly, my low warning growl on "low." when it started to warm up to its situation, walking towards me like an old pal, i let her/him/it have it! soon i had it cornered in the bedroom and was making quick work of her/him/it (i was too busy kicking its ass to check the plumbing, as crude humans say). the humans were making some crazy noises (scared to death, i'm sure) and i heard my name a lot (my own personal cheering section!), but I took care of the problem. one of them opened the front door and the stray escaped.

and i was given a treat.

protecting your country sure makes you hungry. too bad i didn't know about chocolate then. i would have demanded a much higher quality treat for my trouble.

I love Cats and Dogs! (but not real ones)

Sufferin' succotash, i love the movie Cats and Dogs. I watched it today while my humans were away. The secluded one was, well, secluded in her room. She had no clue what I was up to. I was prepared to "assume the gravyboat position," as she likes to say, and feign disinterest, as if the other two had absentmindedly left the TV on (plausible since the female IS getting rather absentminded-professor-ish.) But, Plan L was not needed; saved for another day.

I've given up trying to teach the my language to my captors. (I'm feeling a little imprisoned today) They're getting better at reading the TONE of my voice, and following me if I'm REALLY persistent.

Yesterday, I got to eat chocolate. Not much, since I was informed it could kill me, but a microbe of it. HEAVEN ON EARTH. And not just any chocolate, some frosting off a Hostess cupcake. Me Ow.

I'm going to watch my movie again. Because I can! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

mellowdramatic moping

humans are so clumsy. they can't control their limbs. this morning, i was just minding my own business, relaxing on their super-sized bed, when the short one repositioned her arm and, in doing so, bopped me in the mouth. i say "bopped," because that's the noise it made.

i wasn't injured, but my self-esteem was hurt a little. like when you get hit, but it didn't hurt, but it completely surprised you, so you think you're hurt. or at least you act like it.

oh, she tried to make me feel better, apologizing, smoothing my fur, telling me it was an accident. (this is where learning human-speak really comes in handy, otherwise i would have had no other option but the claws)

i can't bear to look at her. i can't bear to not be near her, but i just can't look at her.
it hurts too much.

holy heathcliff, listen to me! you'd think i was human myself.

mysterious pigment

today my hut-mates, the humans, abandoned me. for a time, but they abandoned me nonetheless. the military-minded one took my previous advice and DID leave . . . only to return after awhile and continue his drills; this time they include baseball. what a confusing program.

the females left with another female, carrying bags and a large blanket. maybe someday i'll see "the beach" for myself. i watched sadly as the short one wagged her hand at me, said something unintelligible (i know it was to me, i heard my name being spoken) and closed the door.

here's where it gets wierd. apparently there is a high level of radiation at "the beach" for when the girls returned, something had happened to their skin. it must not be painful, though, because no one seemed particularly concerned. they were all either considerably darker, or different hues of pink and red. so strange. at least if i ever walk outside i won't have to worry about that happening to me. my fur will protect me.

treachery in the domicile

yesterday the short one left. she said not where she was going. only "be good"...what ever the duece that means!
as if some kind of a sick joke she left the fat one in charge. oh he is sure to feed himself but i will probably have to steal from his plate when he leaves the room like i normally do. i believe he is receiving military training. ever since the short one left he has been in front of a monitor practicing military procedures and killing little pretend humans.
hhmph, maybe he should practice getting on a treadmill.
IT'S 85 AND SUNNY FAT MAN!!! GET OUT AND LIVE A LITTLE!!!!

oh if and when the pig tailed one returns there is a meeting scheduled with her cheek and the back of my paw. this type of treachery will not go unnoticed or unretaliated.

mark my words humans, the day will come when your cereal will have an odd sort of taste that you won't be able to place, but i will know the origins my friends, i will know.

water into whine

You know, I hate to sound like I'm always complaining. And I know that the short one is "getting on up there in years." But I had to ask not once, not twice, but THREE times for her to feed me. I even walked into the pantry to point at the catfood bag but she just shooed me out.

And THEN, while she was talking into a device she held up to her ear (I really think she's just talking to herself), she actually NOTICED my food dish. Triumph! And then she just walked back into her red room and promptly forgot. As Garfield himself once said, "Aaaaaargh!!"

So, I resorted to another measure. I figured it was worth a try. I sat at her feet, looked up at her, licked my chops and whined a little bit. I abhor whining, but when a girl is hungry, a girl is hungry.

She caught on pretty quick, I will say, and apologized profusely. I was so relieved that I cantered back to my food dish.

I may be fat someday, but by Morris, I'm going to be happy.

today's lesson

i taught my human the word "water" today. i'm not holding my breath, but we'll see if she understands when i say it tomorrow.

*meow*

humans.

forget big brother

i am watching you.