meow-moir

so the reason i haven't been posting much as of late is because i've been working on my memoir (or meow-moir, for my feline-fluent crowd).  yes, i'm young yet, but if this donald miller human can do it, so can i.

there's some disturbing stuff in here... i've been locked in a sauna with two shaking white boxes... hosed down in a porcelain box... 

yet i also have tales of adventure:

the time i catapulted myself off a human's head... wandered down the hall when the door was open... a near-death experience involving a VERY LARGE flying creature... and of course, my boxing championship against a local stray.

there's some good stuff here.  i figure i'll try to record as much as possible while life has slowed down a bit.  and there'll be plenty of anecdotes about the resident humans... i've seen them do some really silly things.  i'm sure it will be entertaining for all of you.

well, that is what i am up to.  it may take a while as i have to sneak onto the computer while the humans are gone, and the short-hair hasn't left much this week.  

so i merely compose my thoughts and prepare for the next opportunity.

until then, here's a couple recent photos.  i'm thinking of trying online dating, or maybe just myspace.  so which picture should i use?  they're both quite flattering, if i do say so myself. 

for my next impression...

...an animal cracker!

hello. my name is piscin, and....

my humans don't know that I have a bookie.

I'm told I'm a good sport...but a horrible neighbor

friday night. this was my prisoner.


this is how I felt about the prisoner.





the humans aren't quite sure how she got here, but she will pay. this is my house, and I do not say neighborly things like "mi casa su casa." no way, jose.

but first, I have some questions.
what is your name?
what is your quest?
what is the average air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

rabbit? what rabbit? i don't see a rabbit. what's a rabbit?



when the humans came home, they took these away from me, scolding me about some stupid geneva convention.

i don't do conventions.



cruel and unusual?

perhaps.



said prisoner rested comfortably in the refuse room. the bald one brought her out, probably for a tour -- he can be so hoSPITable. we had words. practiced our snake impersonations. I did restrain myself, though -- and my claws, since she's pretty defenseless except for some trimmed (ha!) hind claws. she may not even be a real cat...no claws...what kind of human-informed nonsense is that?! she wasn't much of a threat.


but I will say this (and the humans bear witness) SHE STARTED IT.




the humans meanwhile discovered where the vagabond came from, and have returned her to her rightful owner. i was under the bed when the actual exchange took place, but it sounded like it went well.

for me it was a tense weekend...i'm glad it's over, and my house is back to normal. silly humans...this is my house. and where are my tools of pain?!

the kitty doldrums

this is why I haven't posted anything lately. I'm so bored. a little depressed. I try to talk to my humans and they just smile and laugh... and no one really pays any attention to me. the huge green frog silently mocks me. at least the humans have been leaving the blinds open so I can see outside... not that I can ever GO outside.

in fact, just yesterday the short-hair stepped on my tail. it hurt.
this is the aftermath:
what's weird is that when they came home later that night, and discovered this monstrous act, the short-hair gathered it up

and PUT IT IN A BOX.



WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?!

morris, help me.

lapcat

The short human is always carrying this black thing around.

Figured I'd check it out.

see? I totally fit.

Now I can be carried around and my human won't have to leave me home all alone by myself all the time.

There's even a nifty strap to keep me secure in here!

now I have to come up with a name for it.

this is going to be great!

don't we all?

what humans are good for

1. Carrying me around on their shoulders
2. Feeding and watering me when I yell at them to
3. Scratching that itch I can't reach
4. Telling me how pretty I am
5. Keeping me safe from the snow monsters

And though they don't understand a word I'm saying, they really do try to understand. Those poor, simple creatures.

the humans think i know something

i was nabbed. i was taken to the liquid room. they shut the door. i was placed in the waterfall box. i was drenched and some substance was rubbed into my fur. it was one of the most horrifying experiences of my life, next to the portable cage. *shudder*

i was then subjected to more drenching, and then i was shaken by what looked like large tents. and then they brought out the little red wind machine. terror of terrors! i was paralyzed by fear!

and i talked! mercy of morris, i talked! they caught me completely by surprise and i'm ashamed to say that i must have given some sensitive information before i knew what happening. anything to make them stop! oh, garfield! i then tried my best to feed the humans lies, but i don't know if they bought it. i didn't think they had cracked my code language, but they are sneaky. i babbled like a kitten.



it's strange, though. i feel oddly refreshed. like i'm wearing new skin. sufferin' succotash, those humans are wily. i will have to be more careful. i must have done something to tip them off.

HERRROOOOOOOOOO!!!

my new favorite movie is team america. stupid puppet humans. this is my kim jung il impression.

be afraid. be very afraid, humans.

monsters in the night

so there were these two monsters outside my bedroom window the other night. the humans flashed the dreaded bright lights at them, but they did not run away. it was so horrifying.

i did mock them from a safe distance, behind glass, but i don't think they were paying attention. they seemed busy eating something. probably dead remains. *shudder*

another one appeared today IN BROAD DAYLIGHT!! the short-hair flashed more bright lights at it and eventually it ran off into the woods. i'm positive it was a scout. hopefully the bright lights convinced it to leave us alone. i don't know if i'm going to be able to sleep tonight!!! i may have to sleep closer to the humans. they're warm anyway.

i'm a little shook up. i can't wait for the human to close the blinds. i keep imaging this monster just hovering out there in the snow. creepy!


i'm still trying to figure out what to put under the tree for the chris-human. i don't want him to be able to KNOW right off the bat what i've taken that he might miss....any suggestions???

(and by the way, somehow a posted comment from a red-haired friend -- the one with the brown-haired human attached to his arm -- way to go! -- got deleted. i'm terribly embarrassed...i think one of my humans is to blame. they're so inept and clutsy. please don't lose faith in me, friend! you're the only one i have on the inside...)



the monsters came back. i knew that one was a scout!!!! this time there were 3 of them (!) and a hop-floppy. like some strange animal planet family. this time my human did NOT use the bright flashes, but it was kind of fun to watch the little monsters head-butt each other. they were pretty paranoid (constantly looking around, never able to really enjoy their meal), so i felt kind of sorry for them. kind of. and they're outside in the cold. i'm pretty warm and toasty in here. i guess i should count my blessings. hopefully all my cat lives will be this warm and dry!!

chris-miss

i've never figured out why, once a year, my humans display a false tree and put color all over it. now there are strangely decorated boxes and shapes underneath it. in my investigations i've discovered that the silvery strands are quite tasty, but i get yelled at when "they" see me doing it. don't worry, i eat my share in secret.

i've heard reference made to "chris-miss", though i can't quite figure out what he's missing. the best i can figure is the short-haired-human took some of his things, have hidden them underneath this poky tree and eventually she'll let him have his stuff back. now that makes sense. i could get into that. maybe i'll put my own contribution under the tree later. i'm not sure how much time i have, though.

the bald-one keeps checking out the window for snow, so maybe once there's snow he'll get his stuff back. this also makes sense.

in the meantime i will continue my diet of "tinsel" (that word was hollered when i was caught chewing on it, so maybe that's what they call it...either that or it's a not-nice word directed at me...i hope that's the name of the silver stuff)


more on this chris-miss event later.

super secret piscin

contemplation

do i look fat to you?



















the third human showed up the other day. i had almost forgotten all about her. i didn't realize that i missed her being around. when the other humans were gone, it was just nice to know that i wasn't alone. even if all she ever did do was sleep. i tried to tell her as much, but she just laughed at me. crazy human. i'm guessing i'll probably still see her every once in awhile anyway. it still creeps me out, though, how much she and the short human sound alike.







and no, she didn't have anything exciting hidden in her golden bag.
i checked.










the highlight of my days now are to break the rules without my humans knowing about it. it's my own private revenge and source of satisfaction. ha! gone are the days when they would hose me down from the kitchen sink and then punish me by putting me in the shaking-white-box room that gets really hot like a sauna. no more torture for me! i have them hoodwinked, that's for sure. some of my adventures might be at an end, though, for i've been discovered.

this evening while they were minding their own business, i decided to do the most daring thing i could do. no guts, no meow mix; right? and then the short one appears and i barely have enough time to jump down and act as if nothing had happened. talk about getting the adrenaline pumping! i think my grunt as i hit the floor might have given me away, because she's been using her scolding tone of voice all night. and THEN the hairy one discovered evidence -- some of my fur, undeniably -- on the counter. sufferin' succotash! so careless of me.


apparently my punishment was to be subjected to blinding flashes of light while being held in awkward positions. i don't understand it, but it certainly wasn't pleasant. i saw spots for hours. i wish they would just look directly at the sun.

day 10

ten days ago my world turned upside down. things started disappearing from the domicile. then i was locked in an empty room with only my food and water dishes (oh, and the portapooper, thank you very much) to keep me company. i heard voices, doors being opened and closed, and lots of things moving, footsteps going up and down the stairs. and i smelled bagels. i'm sure of it.

a few hours later my humans entered the room and proceeded to remove ME from the place i had learned to call home. i was taken...

*gasp*

...outside.

i've still not fully recovered from the experience, but i was only out-of-door for mere minutes (though it certainly felt like years at the time). in essence, my humans transplanted me to a different, stranger, smaller (though similarly colored) home-like compartment. most of my favorite things are here also (except for the sofa...it's a mystery what really happened to it) and now the ground is a lot closer when i peer out the windows of my new cell. there is a bright spot to my captivity, and that is the VERY wide, VERY comfortable window sill in the humans sleeping area. and whether it's coincidence or fate or luck, i can actually reach the sill from my fuzzy carpet tower. it's brilliant and allows me some small comfort, if not hope.

i haven't seen near as many birds as i used to, but it is getting cold outside and i've noticed that their presence greatly diminishes once the ground turns white. i did see a hop-floppy the other night, and soon after a demon bird that can turn it's head completely around without killing itself. thankfully my captors arrived a few minutes later and the demon bird flew away. talk about your creepy animal kingdom. *shudder*

there is also the suspicious disappearance of the third human that i haven't quite figured out. i might have been seeing things, but i swear she was here for a couple hours last week. the short human actually conversed with her and they watched the moving box together, so i'm sure she was really here. i gave her a talking to, but i don't think she took me seriously. annoying human. she was my favorite.

it's been a little trickier to get to the computer to update my blog since the computers are in the same room now. oh well, i just hope my faithful minions will be patient.

not at my best

don'tcha just hate those pictures that make you look like you're on drugs? leave it to my humans to do just that, PLUS somehow getting my catnip toy in the shot as well, as if i'm ashamed and trying to hide it.
one of these days i'll get them back....one of these days....

Day 1,761

so i was left alone with the rotund one this weekend, no thanks to the short one. if and when she returns there will be tongue lashings i promise you. the fool even believes that she can trick me with her amatuer attempts at deceit and disguise. her fur seems to be growing longer and longer, but trust me i still know who she is. and not to mention that it is always curly and wild, come to think of it, i have yet to see her lick herself once, maybe if she did she could get control of that mop. OR do what the portly one did this weekend and remove all of the fur on his head.

that was weird, it must have been some kind of warrior ritual, as he took all of his fur off, then sat down in front of the moving picture box with a gigantic plate of kibble (oh he brought me some kibble too, a bowl of hard gravel, very reminiscent of grape nuts, but i gave him a thank you lick on the cheek anyway, a thank you lick that was just previously washing my kitty parts !!! HA ). But he just sat there from morning till night and proceeded to watch other men chase after each other and tackle them into the ground. even as i type this sunday morning, it appears he is readying himself for yet another day of this!

what was really confusing is it appeared they were playing keep away, but when the other group retrieved the artifact, they would keep it in their possession for a while and then GIVE IT BACK TO THE ENEMY?!?! what kind of logic is that? i say now that you have recovered this treasure, take it and go home!



but if nothing else this weekend i did learn that when i do eventually take over this planet, i am going to have my human slaves brought before me to perform this "football" as i gather it was called (although the use of ones feet only seems to be the means by which to get to the oblong ball, maybe it should be called ballball or howabout just ball?) maybe i will even tie a ball to the end of a string and tie the string to a stick and dangle it over their heads and make them chase it for hours and look a fool, like i have seen them do to my brethren with a stupid feather or some weird, but very pretty and eye catching piece of bait. but anyway, when they play it before me there will be a couple of minute details i would like to change.
1. the periods should be shorter, i don't have all day and it did drag in some places
2. THEY SHALL FIGHT TO THE DEATH !!!!

kitty out.

p.s. I pray to the god of felines, Morris, to bring victory to the Panthers, Jaguars, Lions, and Bengals !!!!

looking down on the world

hello, adoring fans!! it is i, once again.

i've come to learn the telltale signs for when the brigand bipeds are planning to leave me. nay, ABANDON me. and THIS time, the secluded one departed as well. WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?! do i smell bad? it's not my fault!! seriously, people and pets. there is nothing i can do about that.

telltale sign #1: a veritable MOUND of food in my food dish, overflowing onto the floor.
telltale sign #2: the refuse device lid left in the UP position in one or both of the refuse rooms.
telltale sign #3: multiple bag type objects HANGING off the hapless humans, being carted out of the apartment.
telltale sign #4: both humans getting all up in my grill to pet my head, speak to me with strange voice inflections and WAVE to me.


so what is this WAVING about? i really don't get it. do they think i can wave back? can't really do that. i can BAT things with my kitty paws, but it doesn't really come across as waving. it comes across more like, HEY PAPARAZZI, I SAID GET OUT OF MY FACE!!!!




telltale sign #5: humanus absentia

are kitty food, gravel and grape nuts the same thing?

i believe that the short one has lost the use of her legs. seriously, the woman has not left her lazy girl chair for nearly the past two days. normally i have to sit on her lap in order to keep her from getting up and leaving me. but not so anymore, in fact i have taken several walks, finished the latest harry potter novel AND went to the bathroom only to find that she still sat in the same place, with a wire leading from her hands to the moving box in the corner. sad really, she was a good pet, but i fear i may have to put her down.

speaking of putting down the humans, ...the fat one tried to tell me that i didn't NEED any more food or water, to which i informed him that he didn't NEED to live any longer













needless to say, i got both food AND water. fresh cold water.

i must go, i hear one of them meandering down the hall and they will be here any moment, unless they stop at the cooling box to stuff their faces. if you ask me, I should be the one eating at my leisure, and THEY should be the ones on a portion controled diet of water and burnt popcorn kerrnels. or whatever this crap is in my dish.

i mean seriously, would it be so hard to add a little gravy to this garbage?! or maybe even try one of those fresh, soft kitty meals i see advertised on the moving box. hmmm? whadd'ya say? naaawww, i didn't think so ya cheap bastards. stick with the 50 lbs of rock salt for $3, i just looooooove that.

damn! they are here i must go, viva la kitty-lution !!!!

abandoned AGAIN

$^_(*5(&^% HUMANS!!

the biped blues

weekends are so long when the humans are gone. i don't know where they went, and it was kind of a surprise that they left. all of a sudden they were crowding around me and picking me up, and then they walked out the door. i wonder if that's what death will be like.

the other one, the loud one, she stayed here. i will give her credit, though. she made sure i had food and beverage. i bet the other two put her up to it. the left behind one, she hung out with a familiar human i call "the royal one". i recognized her and she hangs out with the married ones a lot, so i let her stay.

but, it was a boring weekend. no one to give me chocolate frosting, no one's stomach to sleep on, no arms to stretch my claws on, no one to watch the tv shows I like with, and no one to talk to that REALLY understands me. the secluded one usually just mocks me. the royal one i think genuinely likes me, and she always greets me quite pleasantly. i'm glad i let her live.

i went through a sort of withdrawal when both the bipeds left me this weekend. i didn't start feeling back to my normal self until they had been home a few hours. this home is so empty when they leave. it makes me want to brave that moving box thing again, just so i don't feel left behind. all the fast-moving scenery and images was very confusing for my little brain, but i didn't get sick so it can't be all bad...and they seemed to enjoy it.

so, that's my next goal. clock more time in the box-on-wheels so i can spend more time with my humans.

so glad they're home...